I have been bothered by 2, 3 things & I think it’s about time I should talk about it on the blog. Of course it’s not tough on me to talk about personal stuff, but few questions are taken very badly & people get queer ideas about you.
Anyway the question is: what if nobody ever wants to have sex with you? And all through your life not even for 2 minutes you felt that anyone has ever wanted you – that’s a very bad feeling. I know it’s hard to believe that one has a hard time finding anyone of the sort, but it happens with people. It has happened with me. And yes I don’t like useless admirers. I mean what good is an admirer who just looks at you & never bothers to talk! And then there are people who just give you 101 hints but marry someone else.
It’s so easy to call an actor idiot for falling in love with fakers, sycophants & bitches. I also have liked such bastards. I wish I had been as shallow as I paint myself to be when I talk about looks, but the fact is I am not & I don’t want to go into details. I’m not even sure if I liked them, cause I had a feeling all along that I was growing old. I had my last crush when I was 29. I guess once you’re in your 30s, you stop torturing yourself & thank God for that! I was just thinking that there was no mental compatibility or connection…in spite of that, I gave myself severe headaches.
I had been quite inspired by Indian movies & I totally believed in that pure form of love. I was an utter fool. By the time, I was 13 I thought I was in love. Thanks to rejection, I plunged into depression for years. I don’t have regrets as such, because once you tell someone how you feel & even if that person says no, you don’t feel bad about it at the end of the day. But I don’t feel great either. I had 4 lousy crushes & that is too much of a burden on me.
I was friends with all the wrong people. I liked all the wrong people. A year ago I discovered that a fucking bitch made friends with me for a personal motive & that proved once again that I’m still a fool. I was 18 when my elder sister used me for her marriage & very conveniently discarded when she used me. My best friend (the person who talked to me on the 1st day of school) turned out to be a strange kind of bitch. We were friends for more than 18 years or so. I hate it when people call me intelligent. This is all so fucked up. I don’t like it.
