“In my life, I might say always, the real life has seemed just outside – brownies running & fairies peeping – just beyond the common, ugly place where I am. I seem to have been hedged in by vulgar circumstances, able to glimpse outside now & then, & see the reality.”
It’s amusing how we can relate to few things so well. I read this in the morning & it was like as if this passage was all about my life in few words. Although I’m not even remotely like that character, but the sum total of her life was not any different from mine.
I have always looked at things from a distance & that includes my life. Things have always been for others, never for me. I used to be quite optimistic, but I have noticed that I’m not that optimistic anymore. You can lie to the entire world, but you can’t lie to yourself. As far as I’m concerned, I don’t even like to pretend in front of the world. Who cares what they say when they don’t know or can’t comprehend!
What I think or how I look at my life is far more important than what others are saying. I have lived it. I know how it has been. It hasn’t been that rotten. But it hasn’t been satisfying. Something bothers me about not touching the things that I wanted to. You know one wants to explore life; one doesn’t want to look at it from a distance.
It’s very strange that you breathe & still this life is not yours. You are all entangled in those man-made chains the minute you are born. It’s not that we don’t have choices, we do. And a point comes when it doesn’t even matter whether it’s right or wrong.
I have said most of the things earlier on. I guess repetition is inevitable. Anxiety is one thing that never abandons us & makes us say the same thing again & again. Actually I can’t get excited about things I used to & I don’t find it abnormal, but I don’t like it.
I have read about such miserable lives that I don’t even think that some of us should even complain. I have also met people who just waste away their lives in self-pity & at the same time, they can’t help creating insurmountable troubles for others. And if we pick up the newspaper we would be shocked out of our wits. This world is way too ugly. But unquestionably people are the ones who make life & this world such a horrible place for those who aren’t like them.
