A wound too deep

I read Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina almost 10 years ago & these days I’m reading it again. One of our professors said that it’s the best novel, but I can’t agree with him as it’s very difficult to choose any novel & call it the best. Literature is too vast & the definition of best ought to be out of this world.

Anyway, there are things that we often miss while reading it for the 1st time. Although I’m amazed that I did, cause I have been through something of the sort myself.

“He did not know that his behavior toward Kitty had a name of its own, that it was decoying a girl with no intentions of marrying her, & is one of the evil actions common among brilliant young men like himself.”

I’m not going to elaborate on it, as I’m utterly bored of that chapter. And I’ve observed that it’s very easy to admire someone who has groomed with the passage of time, but I suppose this hasn’t dawned on the idiots.

Anyhow, few days ago, while reading Gyles Brandreth, I also came across a line that I can actually relate to. And it goes something like this:

Oh yes, in the sere & yellow days of my decrepitude, I shall be able to say, ‘I was adored once, too!’

I don’t know whether to call myself lucky or unlucky. I was madly in love with an asshole & somehow I missed the most important person. I knew that he existed (no one could have ignored him), but I did not know how he felt about me. This is one of the reasons why I have this damn case against hesitant guys, but somehow genuine feelings find a way to reach you.

I’m a hopeless romantic but at this point if I do find someone as beautiful as divine power, then it’s him. I won’t build any altar though. I can’t pay any tribute. Now this happens to be a tragedy & I must have been really stupid at that time, but nevertheless at least I know that I once had a genuine admirer & that should be enough.

Meaty Eid

Eid is quite a boring time as I would put in many ways. Today is hardly any different. I did take my usual Gaye Maata pics in the morning. This year we had a little, brown cute cow. At night she seemed kinda unsettled or may be she was feeling a bit cold.

In the morning, she was pretty calm. Once the qurbani was done we took a small D.H.A. trip. I wanted to see the camel in the neighbour hood. Actually, we ended up seeing two camels. I have never seen a camel qurbani and I didn't today also. Over all, it was more about putting up big tents and showing off big animals.

We watched this movie "Beyond Reasonable Doubt", which was pretty ok. Now I am watching Simpsons to kill the boredom away. All my friends are telling me the same thing...they are getting bored too. Strange how we love to have holidays and then we get bored too.

All I want is Dhaka Chicken tonight...or something good to eat. And people say I don't think about FOOD!

Eid Mubarak!

Hope you all have a happy Eid with your loved ones! :D

*Kisses & Hugs*

Z & Nadz

Death of humanity

We read about cold-blooded, brutal murders on a daily basis. In our country, honour killing too is something that cannot be ignored & we often hear that there is no honour in killing & yet all kinds of killings can be seen in this country.

A 28 year old guy had been killed by the brothers of his girlfriend. He had been getting threats from them for quite some time. He went to settle down this issue, but instead he was strangled & they tried to burn the car along with him, but couldn’t succeed in burning the car & the body.

Needless to say, but no one has the right to kill anyone. You may not like the person but this doesn’t mean that you should kill the person. However, all over the world, killing is something that happens for petty reasons. I just hope the culprits rot behind the bars.

We all have heard cases of love affairs that are not being tolerated by the families & mostly boyfriends get murdered very conveniently. The females eventually get married to someone else. I think if you live with psychos, then you must know it & the best option is to back off rather than get your loved ones butchered by maniacs.

2, 3 years ago, I also read about a case in which a female was involved with other guys in the murder of her boyfriend as he didn’t want to marry her. When it comes to breaking records, men & women don’t like to leave anyone behind. Naturally you can’t say as to who is more devilish – the Devil or the people.

Anyway I wonder what does the future hold for us. Every day we are reminded that we still live in the Dark Ages. Few days ago, my sister wrote about a kitten that was killed, thanks to a rude kid & 2 teenagers. Even when the kitten came under the car, they were quite content & lost in their meaningless world. People call such devilish children naughty...even at the age of 3, one knows as to what is right or wrong & those who don’t know must be genuinely dumb or there ought to be some genetic problem. Anyhow when that 10 year old boy will some day rape a girl – what are we going to say? Oh man he had an erection & he just couldn’t control himself! The right word for such hideous kids is criminal, because he would grow up to be one. He already is a criminal but he is not in jail. Lots of people land in jails after breaking havoc.

I’m very sorry to say but the future seems too bleak when this is what we are producing. We see criminals everywhere. What kind of upbringing do these people get from their parents? We also don’t see compassion anywhere. Sacrificial animals too are not being spared by these crazy kids. They beat them with sticks. I think parents are supposed to tell their abnormal kids that these animals ought to be respected.

Naturally when these abnormal kids grow up into hideous adults, they don’t have any problem in committing heinous crimes called murder, rape, human trafficking, etc etc.

Why play Brutus?

I don’t really regard this as a very crucial question but I’ve seen people playing Brutus almost everywhere. It’s just not the workplace where we encounter people ever ready with invisible knives.

Quite honestly, many a time I don’t even understand the bitchiness in the first place. I believe if one does anything with sincerity & honesty, then there is no question of holding a knife in your hand & stabbing it in someone’s back. Seriously, is anyone worth it? More importantly, God too helps you when you are sincere. So I really don’t see the point of blackening one’s heart & filling it with remorseless dirt. But maybe some people can’t help being what they are.

While I was working I did learn most of the tricks. In my last job, I was in the good books of my boss. I did play my cards very well & I was doing pretty good but then it occurred to me that I had been deteriorating as a person & somehow that was not acceptable. I decided to get out of the mess. In the common language, that is called foolishness but somehow I needed to protect the person who wasn’t ready to get all tainted. My younger siblings often say that I could have had a rocking career…maybe!

Actually I know the game. You can say that I was supposed to be the Devil’s disciple but I don’t see any charm in it as Satan doesn’t have what I want. And what do I want? Far better things than stabbing someone in the back or taking revenge. I don’t attach importance to insignificant beings. Fortunately, I haven’t been raised in that way.

When you force someone to fuck you, there is a possibility that this person might fuck you so bad that you won’t ever be able to fuck again. We should never underestimate anyone. Brutus should only appear on the screen, when there is Julius Caesar. And to the best of my knowledge, I don’t see any Julius Caesar.

I can take off my clothes : Robert

Twilight' hunk Robert Pattinson has no issues about going full monty onscreen but one on condition that it should be completely necessary for the role and integral to the movie.

The 23-year-old actor, who plays vampire heartthrob Edward Cullen in the 'Twilight' saga would consider taking his clothes off if he thought the part required it, Star magazine reported.

"I think it would depend on what it is. And I don't think a lot of people would really want to see that. I think it would ruin the illusion," Pattinson said.

The British actor however, found nudity to be an uncomfortable affair after he filmed explicit scenes for the 2008 Spanish drama 'Little Ashes', in which he played a young artist Salvador Dali.

"It's funny because Spanish people have no problem with nudity at all, and I mean at all. And English people obviously do have the most enormous problem with it," Pattinson said.

"Little things, like when I saw my father getting changed for swimming, I was traumatised by it... I kind of freaked out a bit," he added.

My comment:

I agree with the part: ‘I think it would ruin the illusion.’ It surely does.

But there is one thing that I have read about Robert Pattinson, which is indeed disgusting. He doesn’t take shower for days. Although Megan Fox is one attractive woman but whenever I look at her, I have a feeling that she also prefers to stay dirty like Robert Pattinson.

Anyhow, it’s nice to know that Robert Pattinson doesn’t have issues about a thing that is so natural in movies. I don’t know how else to say it. We have heard innumerable idiotic statements from stars & it’s really hilarious when they tell us: it wasn’t me, it was the character.

The character of Edward Cullen is endlessly fascinating, but I don’t have the energy to watch any other part of Twilight. I haven’t even read all those thick books.

Omi Puri annoyed

I read this few days ago. Since I wasn’t in high spirits, so I didn’t share it. But it definitely makes for good reading.

Acclaimed actor Om Puri is enormously upset with his wife, journalistcolumnist Nandita for highlighting some of his most private sexual incidents to market her biography, Unlikely Hero: The Story Of Om Puri.

In her book, the author has elaborately penned Om Puri’s sexual relationship with two of her maids. The actor first had sexual encounter with his maidservant when he was only 14-year-old, later on he developed emotional bonding with her another maid Laxmi, with whom he also had long standing sexual relationship.

A discernibly upset Om said, “I don’t care if she’s my wife. I won’t let her get away with it. I am in Chandigarh shooting for a film. On Monday I heard Nandita speaking about the biography she has written on me. I was shocked by her revelations. It was so cheap. She was talking about my sexual encounters as though those were my biggest achievements!”

Om’s main reason for being upset is Nandita’s revelation that he had sex with his maid Shanti at the age of 14. She has also exposed Om’s longstanding liaison with a woman named Laxmi with whom Om was sexually and emotionally involved.

“My wife has reduced a very important and sacred part of my life to cheap and lurid gossip. I had shared these dark secrets with my wife as all husbands do. If she chose to make them public at least she should’ve made sure to maintain a dignity about experiences that are a valuable part of my life. Has she forgotten that I have a standing in society and I’ve worked hard to achieve all that I have today? I won’t allow her to throw it all away for the sake of sensationalism.”

Om says that Laxmi was one of the most important women in his life. “This lady whom Nandita talks in such an undignified manner was Laxmi, who raised me and my brother’s orphaned children. My relationship with this wonderful woman was a homage to her loyalty for looking after me unconditionally.”

Om doesn’t deny he had sex with Laxmi. “But it was not a furtive and sleazy experience. It was beautiful. Why make such a tamasha out of these very sensitive moments? Mahatma Gandhi spoke of his experiences with sexuality in The Story of My Experiments With Truth. But was that all there was to his life? Why highlight these aspects when there’s so much more to me? Do you know, when I was a child, I was travelling by train with my destitute mother. The entire compartment collected money to feed us. That incident remains etched in my mind. I was working in a teashop when I was seven years old. When I came to the FTII, Pune I didn’t have a decent shirt to wear. I had to borrow one from Naseeruddin Shah. I had hoped when my life was chronicled it would be an inspirational story.”

Om says his wife insisted on writing his biography. “I was aware that another lady (Aparajita Krishna) was writing my biography. When Nandita expressed a desire to write about me I couldn’t stop her because she’s my wife but she has forgotten who she is,” added Om.

The actor complains that Nandita didn’t allow him to read the manuscript. “Not once did she let me read even one page of the manuscript. How was I to know how she would use the incidents from my life to sell her book?”

When we promised to be discreet in putting forward his anguish and humiliation, Om retorted, “Please don’t be discreet. Has she exercised any discretion in talking about my personal experiences? The final decision to put my life up as a tamasha was Nandita’s. I can’t forgive her.”

When we asked Nandita for her side of the story, she said, “This is all such a mistake. My book on my husband is a biography, not bl***y pornography. The book is about Om, the man and the actor. Om has all the human foibles, just like all of us. He had sex as an adolescent with his maid and then he had a long liaison with the other lady who was also a maid. This was his way of coming out of his other relationships and demolishing class differences. If Om has any objection to her being called a maid he’s just being unrealistic.”

So are his sexual experiences an integral part of the book? “They are,” admitted Nandita. “But that’s not all.” Apparently, the broadcast journalist who interviewed Nandita picked up excerpts from a weekly news magazine. “She called me on her show and for 20 minutes she spoke only about Om’s sexual escapades. When I thought she’d question me about other aspects of Om’s life in the book, the show was over. I was horrified. I was even more horrified when I saw the show,” added Nandita.

Yesterday morning, Nandita received a very angry call from Om who is in Chandigarh . “He was livid. The double escapades with the two maid servants has made Om feel he’ll be compared to Shiney Ahuja. Now my husband is angry, my publishers are upset and so am I,” said Nandita.

My comment:

I have never been able to understand as to why men tell everything to their sweethearts. Yeah I admit whatever we are today, we just can’t ignore the past, cause that actually make us who we are today. I have heard such stories a number of times. Sometimes men get drunk & they start blabbing out & usually those women can’t help telling others those secrets. I can’t call it amusing as revealing somebody’s secret in a book is not a good idea & that too when the person is annoyed with the revelation.

I think staying in the present is always far better. But then it seems discussing the past & the future is inevitable when a sweetheart is involved. And when something is inevitable, the price too would be high.

I haven’t forgotten that honesty is the best policy. I don’t like it when someone lies to me or keeps playing those never-ending stupid games. In a relationship, it’s better that you are honest, but some things are just for us & those things usually include fun things done with spontaneity & some remarkable sexual experiences. I really don’t see the point of telling everything to any one particular individual. That’s a sure sign that you might get into trouble some time.

I once read about this guy who was a virgin & his girlfriend had too many guys, & he said that he didn’t feel like touching her as he felt bad & she seemed all used up. I think he was typical. He didn’t realize that experienced people are invariably more fun. I also happen to know females who are in search of virgins.

Although this is beside the point but I often read that painting a virgin is just like sleeping with one. Which means if you haven't slept with one, you must paint one; it amounts to the same thing. If you have experienced it, just don’t tell your wife…or husband.

Kareena as beautiful as Aishwarya

This is what I read today:

It might sound highly childish or silly and foolish when we say that Kareena Kapoor is deeply insecure about her beauty. And you know from whom? Of course, the one of the most beautiful ladies on earth Aishwarya Rai Bachchan.

Apparently, when Bebo found out that Ash adorned the cover of film magazine with the cover story as 50 most beautiful people, Kareena got one done for herself too but on a different magazine.

A source reveals that after Bebo found out that Aishwarya Rai was gracing a '50 Most Beautiful People cover on a film magazine, she pulled strings and managed to get herself on the cover of another magazine doing the same story on the 50 most beautiful people in the country. Gosh!

We don't understand when you have the likes of Aamir Khan falling head over heels for your beauty, why do you need to resort to such cheap measures to make yourself feel beautiful. We hope you have heard the phrase Beauty lies in the eyes of the Beholder, Bebo! It's up to the readers to decide who's looking beautiful.

My comment:

My comment would be biased as I always have something against Bebo. I don’t like the 2 ladies but I think Aishwarya is a better actor, if you ignore all the movies she did in the beginning of her career. I also think Aishwarya is more beautiful than Kareena. I think it’s stupidity to get something of the sort done for yourself. If Kareena knows she is beautiful, she doesn’t need to work so hard in pulling strings from here & there. Since these are filmy people, we can expect anything.

I saw bits & pieces of Sonam Kapoor’s interview. I just didn’t have the courage to see the entire thing. Actually I saw those bits & pieces too while changing the channel. She is EXTREMELY fake. And now I think I know as to why Aishwarya has this feeling of insecurity all along...It’s as simple as hell: ‘a bigger faker is in the picture! What to do?’ At that moment insecurity came to her rescue as it could have been the only answer when one is growing old.

Anyhow, I agree with the part ‘Beauty lies in the eyes of the Beholder.’ And many a time, we are purblind enough to regard shit as beautiful. Well that has been my experience.

Getting tired

I have often heard that stupid world wide web myth & I’m sure everyone has. I think real life is far more charming than the virtual world. I used to do orkutting like mad & today I don’t even visit that site anymore. One eventually gets tired of the virtual world I suppose. Or at least you move on to something better in the virtual world. As of now, I don’t find anything remotely interesting on the net.

I ended up disliking MW, thanks to people but it’s totally my fault. In my mafia frenzy, I kept on adding people to make my mafia better & we all know that people are usually bitchy, annoying, weird, etc etc. Naturally what happened was inevitable. I’m also tired of other games. There is so much repetition. You do the same thing again & again. For how long, one can do that?

I never liked Twitter, so I never wasted my time on it as such. FB was fun but all these people made it rotten for me. Even deleting them is such a scary step that requires a lot of energy. Or maybe I’m simply tired right now & I need a break.

I have also never liked the idea of chatting. Some people think I don’t have msn. I let them think that way. I don’t even remember when was the last time I chatted. I hardly check my mails also.

I feel so tired at the moment. But I know as long as the fun lasts, it’s good. One shouldn’t drag it. As it is, we often forget about fun things later. I don’t remember so much that happened in my real life. I’m just referring to the fun things. And I suppose I wouldn’t remember much about these various sites either.

One bad thing about my nature is that I do get tired & I start getting headaches. Then I want to get rid of that thing. Now that thing could be an application or a human. And some things just cannot be changed. How can you change your nature? I just don’t seem to get tired of my books & my cats. But that’s it.

Obsession Obliterated

Today I deleted a couple of applications as I just can’t return favors & somehow I couldn’t cope with all those applications. I also finally deleted mafia wars. This is one application that I have blocked as I have no intention of ever coming back.

Yeah the question is: what motivated me as I was addicted? Addiction is a thing that doesn’t last too long when a person has a habit of getting tired & bored. I had been tired of the mafia for too long but I kept on wasting time on it. Lately almost every day some moron from my own circle used to declare war against me. I used to help such fucking morons & yes it was irritating. Life is not about taking revenge. I did when I could take my revenge in the mafia but right from the beginning, I knew that this would be the main reason behind leaving the game. It’s the people in my own circle who bored me to death with their fucking wars. It wasn’t people who used to throw me on the hitlist or attacked me 10 times.

Anyway I’m glad I took this step. I knew something would happen sooner or later. When Princey died, I didn’t come online for a year. Yesterday I was reading & most of my cats who stay in the living room were sitting with me. And I was wondering as to why I waste my time on stupid games when I have real innocent beings all around me. I used to play games for hours so that I can reach a higher level. I was level 240 or 241 but what did I get? I just have a feeling that I wasted my time. I could have read something but no, I was obsessed with a game.

Recently a friend who was level 360 or something told me that he had left the mafia & he somehow gave me a ray of hope that I too can get rid of it. I think we are the only 2 people who have not just left the game but have also blocked it.

I don’t know if it was worth it. I did grab a couple of achievements & felt good. I also met some very nice people while playing the mafia. Right now I have more than 500 people in my circle. You can imagine how madly I used to play this game.

I also changed my display pic in which I was holding Fluffy as I didn’t like it when someone attacked me or declared war on me. I used to feel bad & it was happening on a daily basis. Somehow I just couldn’t take it. I did change the pic but I didn’t like it. Although I don’t have to see a photo to remember him but there are things that can drive you nuts. In a way, I knew that I would get rid of this game. A game that made me change my display pic! See I can’t allow some game to fuck with me for so long. I had to put an end to it. The reason may seem absurd but this is it.

‘Obsession Obliterated’ sounds more like some mission, however :P

It’s anything but bizarre

I’ve never liked following rules as rules make life excruciatingly boring. But the thing is...I don’t follow rules, because I can’t. Even on our blog, I have been quite open. Moreover, it isn’t written anywhere that we must write this & we must not write this. And if it had been, I would be the last one to say yes to absurdity. However, what is absurd to me may not be absurd at all & that is also a very important viewpoint. But somehow its significance doesn’t seem to melt all the facts in the world.

My kid sister just like some other people also thinks I’m stupid. I’m not going to prove it otherwise. And I don’t see the point of proving anything to anyone. In fact, I do find it amusing at times when people think they are fooling me & I let them believe what they want to believe. You should try it some time. I am telling you it’s sure fun.

My weak point had been buried 2 years ago. Yeah you’re right...it must have been some cat. But this is of course beside the point. Actually this has been my dark secret. Oh gosh, what a revelation! I’m sure everyone was aware of it.

There is one thing I did learn ages ago. If a man is not interested in you, he is not interested & the story should finish then & there. Recently I have seen someone who just doesn’t seem to get it. It really doesn’t matter what this female thinks, but somehow my writings have been dragged somewhere. No, it would be an overstatement. Actually one of my paragraphs has acquired fame. And believe it or not, I don’t think much of it myself. In fact, a friend of mine also asked me to delete that paragraph twice, but I flatly refused. Anyway this story isn’t interesting at all. So I will talk about something else, which is loathsome, to say the least. Actually it’s a smelly story.

I don’t want to bitch but I have been thinking…sometimes I think when I get time to think. So I have been thinking that men who aren’t interested in you or you just don’t seem to click to them…these are the men who can take undue advantage of you, if you let them. Now I could be wrong in my observation. But my sister narrated a story lately, & my friend & I shed light on it, which can be aptly called bitching.

There are times when you just can’t help plunging yourself in the abyss of shit. You can say the smell rocks at that time. In simple words, what I liked in 1988, I cannot think of it in 2009. How can anyone? Quite honestly, I don’t like any of my 4 crushes anymore. I don’t know why do we desire slimy creatures at certain points in life, but it happens with both men & women all over the world. What happened recently was of course amusing. Some people just think that they are being desired eternally & they can have fun at any time. It’s like other people also have certain standards & they are so not dumb as you want them to be. When I was 13, yes I was badly hurt but today, things have changed & by now you know about my sense of humor. It’s anything but bizarre.

“We degenerate into hideous puppets, haunted by the memory of the passions of which we were much afraid, and the exquisite temptations that we had not the courage to yield to.”

Oscar Wilde

I actually like the timing of this quote. Hope you also enjoy it as much as I do. Good day!

Go Have Some Fun Baby!

I hate to say this but somehow the ugliness inspired me again to write down something. Don't really even want to talk about it as such but need to say it too somehow.

Today, I gave a lil piece of my mind to my sis who eventually ends up saying "Haan mujhay pata hai. Itna tou mujhay bhi pata hai" but when it has all already happened :o

I was telling her how somebody's friends ended up putting some ridiculously wrong sense into an old man that he should go have some fun baby with (and this is the most important part here) people who don't give a flying fuck about him anyway. But yeah you want to be deceived again and again that oh you're so damn desirable.

WRONG Ideas I must add. Sometimes your friends can really lie to you and you end up being a fool. Anyway, I don't pity the fool also in this case. All this just summed up very simply that things do change no matter how stuck up you are and eventually you would get to know this...if it had to happen by being ridiculous by all means.

Anyway, this was just one of the things I was thinking. Apart from that today I had the urge to delete a few people from my circle. People who are there just increasing the number and whom I hardly know and might meet up once later and probably exchange a hello and not a word more. I might still delete them...tomorrow if not tonight. Just find it a burden.

Also, without going into a lot of other details I was just telling Nadzy that no matter how much we try to make it work for ourselves...just some of the most important concerns that we have, which we do forget most of the times, still we don't really. And that ultimately, we are losers in this context. I don't find any other word. Had there been some improvement, I would use some other word. But then that's how I feel. Others don't think this is how we should put it.

My boss says after doing bungy jump I need to set my priorities straight and work on 2 things only. I don't somehow look at things that way :) My definition of things is slightly different perhaps.

But now I go back to where I started...I am amazed at those blind dogs who thought it was so easy to have the fun they had in mind. What were they really thinking. They need to have some doggy biscuits to think straight I guess.

I badly have the urge to say this…

Smoking is something that I have always enjoyed but I never smoke like crazy. Even when I have been down, cigarettes haven’t been my refuge ever. For the heck of fun, I might have had more than one pack with my pals but that must have happened long time ago.

Today I had this entire pack as I haven’t been able to face what has happened. I never thought I would behave in this manner after the death of my pet. I have been smoking for almost 20 years...yeah I was too young (literally a kid) when I started but I never thought bad of it as I saw both my parents smoking.

I’ve also observed that people (mostly women) have huge problems with others who smoke. And the rotten opinion is that females who smoke are of course nothing short of slut. I think somehow people have very closed minds. What they do themselves is okay but what others do…they find fault in it. Nobody has the right to judge anyone but everyone does that. Which is why I have the urge to say something…It’s like I don’t fuck around but I do smoke & I kind of like it. And I think fuckers & smokers should be put in different slots, cause we smokers have standards.

Ugh, ugh, ugh!

I haven’t been able to sleep & I don’t feel like Facebooking either. Anyhow today I made a discovery. It’s about human smell. This one doesn’t kill but believe me, I wouldn’t want to experience it again. So in a way, you can call me the Christopher Columbus of insaani badboo.

And who are these culprits? Women observing Burqa! They have this distinctive odor that almost kills. And it’s similar. We encountered 4, 5 ladies & they all smelled like shit. Even shit is better, cause I clean the mess of my cats every day & I never have the urge to puke.

I wouldn’t say like millions of Pakistanis that these people don’t have any concept of deodorant. These women don’t wash their clothes actually. That’s my humble conclusion. And I think all those other people who stink, they also don’t wash their clothes. We all have heard that cleanliness is next to godliness & yet these burqa clad women who wouldn’t have any problem in calling anyone kafir smell so bad. And you know what this is not the 1st time I have noticed this.

It’s a little easier for me to talk about shit, fart, piss & any kind of silent killer as I have 3 brothers. And my elder brothers also wrote poems on such topics. Unfortunately I don’t have their sense of humor or talent but nevertheless I think I can talk on sensitive topics.

Does time really heal?

Today I woke up a little early than usual & I went for shopping. For a long time, I thought shopping was the answer to everything. But it is not. A friend of mine said that I must look out for the signs & I could see Fluffy. I went to water someone’s plant in Fairy Land & that fairy’s name was Fluffy. I also met a lady in the book shop who inquired about Fluffy as she saw him in the clinic. I heard his song in one of the shops.

Whenever I think about his surgery, innumerable check-ups, irritating lab tests etc etc, I get pissed off. Even when Princey died, I did complain that we don’t have ICU for animals. We love our pets but we can’t take care of them the way professionals could after a surgery.

Although now we are just left with memories but some memories are extremely painful. I can’t even look at his pics as every time I do, I end up crying. I did change my display pic also a couple of times but then I wasn’t even happy with that change.

A couple of times, I call Mickey Fluff by mistake. I used to call Fluffy ‘ma fluffa toy’ & today I even called out another cat in the same manner.

And now he is reduced to a sign. Quite frankly, I don’t know if time heals the wounds, cause I still can’t get over Princey & Tokyo, & now Fluffy too is added to the list.

When I Stopped Searching...

I wanted to write about this friend of mine I met sometime ago. I think I have said this a couple of times before as well that since I was a kid I had bitchy, mean friends. As I grew up, I did make some good friends but only for a little time. And they didn't last long. They just ended slowly and gradually as we grew up. And I don't miss them at all either.

But then I stopped looking around for "good friends". There was nothing of the sort if one starts searching really. And then I started meeting people who actually became some of the most adorable friends. So, I am gonna write a bit about one of them today.

Starting off with Ahmad Bilal - my oldest chat friend :) I think it's been almost eight years now since we have known each other. I met him randomly on that GIKI chat room. And we instantly became good friends. About him, I have to carve it out that he is actually the most decent man I have known so far. I know for a fact he is a genius at his work. I love his paintings and music. I still have a few of the music work he shared with me. Brilliant stuff!

We did talk a lot earlier when I was in university. We had more time. Had a lot of fun. Bitching out is so much fun with him. There was this time that some people got me and Nadira blocked on orkut because we used to talk on a community there. So, Ahmad posted my speech there lol. It was hilarious.

Also, all these years he is the only person who has consistently stayed there practically all ears listening to my love life and not so progressive developments. But he has been kind enough to guide me forever. Once upon a time I was madly in love with someone and I was MAD lol so I just ended up deleting everyone from my orkut circle. I just didn't want to talk to anyone. But he simply added me back again lol. I can say for sure that he has been there for me much more than I have been around to help him out. I can not Delete him ever like I can with others. That option is so not there.

And the funny thing is we have never met and we never talked to each other on the phone as well even when he visits Lahore time and again. But we have never really bothered about it either I guess.

After all these years, I just wanted to thank him for being around all this while. I am so glad that he is my friend!

Now that the week is almost over...

This past one week our entire blog has seen many pictures and posts on Fluffy. Nanny Nadzy has indeed missed him terribly and has written a lot about him. Imagine how much she has been thinking if she has written so much.

I, on the other hand have been dreading the week all along. I hated that Sunday. I did feel he would die that day. And since that day I was hating every day. I just wished this week would end soon. I was finding every day miserable. I still do.

Everyday, I would go to work, get busy, laugh, eat etc etc. I didn't let people see how much I was hurt. People at work made fun anyway. They can't really understand how we treat them as kids. So, I didn't even mind anything. I expect nothing of that sort so there is no reaction either.

Anyway, the moment I stepped into my house I plunged into a depression. I would look at different corners of the house where he sat or slept.The memories keep coming back. When I look at his pics, I end up crying. It might sound funny and ridiculous to many, but for me he was really like a little brother. I loved him just the way I would love a real human brother. He was just very special. And I miss him a lot. And I know Nadzy and Ammi miss him much more.

I really wanted the week to get over...but now that it's been 5 days, I still don't see any change. In fact, all this makes me fear about losing other things as well. So, it's just that...I need more time.

Love that kills

Wuthering Heights has been one of my favourite books. I have always been inspired by the love of Heathcliff. It is not just intense, but also very pure. He might be a bad guy in the book but his love is definitely genuine. Although it’s unrequited love but I still can’t say that I can relate to it. Anyway I was going through the passages that I marked & I just couldn’t help putting them on the blog. I hope you like them:

“I have not broken your heart – you have broken it; & in breaking it, you have broken mine. So much the worse for me, that I am strong. Do I want to live? What kind of living will it be when you – oh, God! Would you like to live with your soul in the grave?”


“The entire world is a dreadful collection of memoranda that she did exist, & that I have lost her.”

I have been thinking that unrequited love does a lot of damage but what about the love that is returned? What about the love that is unconditional & pure? Yeah I’m referring to the love of animals. I don’t think anything could be compared to that. It even surpasses the real meaning of love.

And when they die, they leave a hole in your heart. And there can never be a substitute for anyone. Each individual or being is unique. No one can replace anyone I suppose. And if someone can, then it’s not love. Or maybe you grow out of love.

I’m very sorry to say but it’s the kind of emotion that hurts terribly whether you feel it for humans or animals. It almost kills you when the object of your affection happens to be a pet, because they aren’t selfish.They love regardless of your flaws that are prominent to the world.

Memories are far better than hopes

I think when a pet dies, a part of you dies as well but somehow memories keep our pet alive. Fluffy’s case was really bad. I have been thinking that he used to get ill every now & then. In spite of that even the vets didn’t know that he could have severe health problem.

Although we got the X-ray report from that bizarre lab before the surgery but today we got the blood test report. Nothing was normal & he couldn’t have survived unless there had been some miracle & miracles don’t happen. He must have been in so much pain. I feel bad about it. There are times when we must euthanize the pet. I even suggested it but somehow I couldn’t convince anyone. I also wanted Fluffy to live as my mother was mad about him. She loved him more than any of her children & Fluffy was also a far better child. Beyond any doubt, his blood test result was scary. And he was such a happy boy. He never used to scratch us. He never used get mad at us even though he must have been in so much pain for so long.

I did put down Rhea, Tommy & Ash, & I don’t regret it at all. Rhea & Tommy had leukemia & Ash had maggots in one of his legs. Ash didn’t use to stay in the house & at some point his leg could have been amputated. I couldn’t help Fluffy, Tokyo & Princey & this is such a bad feeling. I believe if you truly care about someone, then you must take an action. You don’t care as to what is right or wrong. You could make things easier for that pet or person. We can’t share the pain but we can lessen it to some extent. I couldn’t & I still can’t forgive myself.

My mother once told me that she cried for days when Aurangzeb died. I wanted Fluffy to live for obvious reason. But nevertheless this had to happen. And thank God we were with me at the last moment. I’ve read about people dying all alone & that is so saddening. Fluffy was indeed lucky.

“For some life lasts a short while, but the memories it holds last forever.”
Laura Swenson

Fluffy was like touching a dream. I bet my pretty baby is having one hell of a time right now with all the sexy cats.

Creepy story

For 3 days, Fluffy needed drip & I had to stay with him as one needs to hold the hand of the cat while the drip is being given. I have narrated the story of the yellow aunty & some other creatures in my previous write-up. I just want to say that love for animals does not make anyone a better person. These ladies may love their pets. It seemed that they do but bitching about other owners & that their pets are infected with virus is indeed very low. I think when you’re sitting in a clinic, you can’t complain about viruses. It’s sheer discrimination. It’s obscene, to say the least. Moreover, how other owners raise their pets is nobody’s business. The yellow aunty couldn’t give meds to her 2 cats but that was okay. Everything is okay, if she does it. If you truly care, then you fucking learn things rather than bitching about others who know their limitations & aren’t as abnormal as these ladies are. I’m glad that I stay miles away from people. They only give headaches; they only tell you how ugly they are.

I’ve also seen that cat lovers like to brag that they know it all & their love is SUPREME. I happen to know countless dog lovers & they don’t get into all this crap. And I forgot to mention the little story of another wannabe who walked in & then announced very loudly that this place stinks & that her fat bf shouldn’t come inside. Then after waiting for few minutes as everyone ignored her, she asked me about the vet. And you should have seen her bf…us say ziada badboodar tou koi cheez thi hee nahin us waqt but she thought the clinic was smelly. Some character! We all know sick animals stink but there is something known as manners. We don’t say it aloud even when we could smell it. We don’t say anything when we people fart & almost kill us. I wonder when her cat would be dying, how she’s gonna get rid of that poor thing.

I do like animals but I don’t like clinics, thanks to these wannabes. However, some people genuinely care about animals but unfortunately, they aren’t many.

When you bitch about animals being infected, it only shows you lack compassion. I’m very sorry to say but Pakistanis don’t know how to do anything right. They only make us embarrass.

Stray thoughts

“I have drunk too much but only from the well of unhappiness.”

“My memories are like the coins in the devil’s purse: when it was opened, nothing was found in it but dead leaves.”

Jean-Paul Sartre

There are times when I hate myself for not giving up till the end & this is how I feel right now. Although I knew that Fluffy’s case was critical & yet I thought he would make it. And he was fighting with his illness. He was a very brave cat but then who has ever changed his fate. We are only marionettes & the string is in somebody else’s hand.

In a way, I’m glad that he’s no more in agony. I hope Fluffy meets some really chic & sexy cats. Before his neuter, he had one hell of a sexy life. And when we took away his manhood, he was more happy & relaxed. He was the only cat I’ve seen who was so happy on the 2nd day of his neuter. He was indeed a well loved cat. He was not just beautiful but also lucky as my mom was mad about him. Both Fluffy & Princey were my mother’s favorite kids.

We usually go to the Pirzadas but when it is some critical case, we go to Dr. Isma. She did a good job but it was written that Fluffy wouldn’t survive. I don’t have anything against the vets. And I have been thinking that it was difficult to diagnose the disease right at the outset. We needed the medical advice of Dr. Abrar as well so when we met him, even he said that at least 3 or 4 cats come every week with this problem & all these cats who have bones in their stomachs, they die.

It’s nothing rare. And I guess it’s common sense that cats do eat bones along with the chicken. One of the ladies inquired me as to what was wrong with Fluffy & she was so shocked to hear that & when she asked me what sort of bones…I had the urge to say wooden bones ma’am. I like torturing my cats.

My sister mentioned another lady in her write-up. I had the misfortune to see that woman on all the 3 days. I don’t know what was wrong with her cat though. But she was one talkative & bitchy woman. She used to talk to one person & when that person used to go, she used to bitch about that person with some other person. She also thought she knew it all & besides that she has this perpetual hideous grin on her face (it seemed as if cow dung has been placed under her nose…it was that sort of grin) & she tried her best to make sure that everyone regards her as the nicest person on this planet. She also thought she was the only one who knew about viruses & she used to bitch about people who came with their cats & dogs being infected. And I also heard her saying that she is the most emotional person when it comes to cats. By the way, she was so emotional that she didn’t have the time to wash her clothes as well & she wore that pathetic yellow, transparent shalwar kameez on a daily basis. I never talked to her & thank God for that but I also knew where she worked, she wanted to travel but she can’t, thanks to her cats. And she is also single. That was shocking as bitches are usually married. Since time immemorial, men have adored bitches & fakers. Anyway, I bet you can see all the wannabes of Karachi at this clinic. But on second thoughts, you can see wannabes anywhere in Karachi. We are left with fakers. Individuality has been successfully murdered & fakeness has invaded.

My brother has this idea in his head that now I must work on animal shelter. There was a time when I wanted to do all this but now I can’t. I’m really sick of seeing my babies die. No matter what we do, somehow we never succeed. And those psychos (read Taliban) who go around exploding bombs everywhere will have no problem in killing innocent animals. And there are people who are madly in love with animals or at least that’s what the image they project. I’m referring to the kind who can’t help telling you that their love is supreme. How the fuck does anyone know that? Anyhow I’m not capable of that kind of love. I even yell at my cats when there is a need.

I think strays have the kind of freedom that people don’t have the brains to imagine. That is why they say we live in a free country.

Anyway when I’m really down, I often go through the translation of the Quran & this is what I read today after Fluffy’s death:

“This is of my Lord’s bounty that He may try me, whether I am thankful or ungrateful. Whosoever gives thanks gives thanks only for his own soul’s good, & whosoever is ungrateful – my Lord is surely All sufficient, All- generous.”

Fluffy will always be remembered

Fluffy passed away in the evening. 2 days ago, he had a surgery, which was a success but nevertheless he couldn’t survive. He had pieces of bones & lots of pus in his stomach. He used to get drip every day & we thought he would make it.

He was by far the coolest member of our family. He came in our house when he was a year old in the end of 2005. And he was ammi’s hot favourite. Z, ammi & I were with him when he died. Umar also spent time with him in the afternoon when we were all busy. There was this little hope & we couldn’t help clinging to it. Anyway now his suffering is at least is over.

20 days ago, that kitten died in such an ugly manner & today it was Fluffy’s turn. I think all of us worked very hard. We changed the vet also who was confident about the surgery unlike the other vet. I did mention our story about the X-ray & blood test, & how the doctors in the lab are so not passionate when a critical case comes.

The vet did her best; even Fluffy gave it his best shot. The case was so severe that the vet told us that he might collapse during the surgery but he didn’t & so all of us were optimistic. Last night he even had a bit of food by himself but in the morning, he was having problem in breathing & his temperature was 104.

I just can’t anymore believe in the power of love as love fails us every time. I know that Fluffy is one of my best memories. And yes miracles don’t happen. Had he survived, I would have called it a miracle. Prayers are just not answered. In fact, the one you care about suffers & suffers badly.

I think those people are lucky who decide not to keep any animal after the death of their pet. I can’t even think of it. I’m sick of seeing deaths. I’m sick of hopes that are invariably false.

Though I know that Fluffy was a lucky boy. He had a good family & everyone loved him & will always love him.

He was & somehow is still capable to make me feel human. You know honestly what wouldn’t I have given to suffer in his place but we humans are simply helpless.

But he is indeed a very sweet memory.

November 1st '09

It's been a sad day. It was a weird week actually over all. But the way it ended is just pathetic. Fluffy died just a while ago. Nadira wrote earlier about him being unwell and his surgery.

He survived the critical surgery though. But couldn't gain the strength to get all healthy. He was no well since morning. Couldn't breathe. I even woke up in the morning asking Nadzy where is he. Then that drip giving session and visit to the vet's clinic, which I hated with that weird aunty talking and talking. She ate my brains alive.

He was having trouble breathing today. I kept thinking in my mind may be he is dying slowly like the other old cats that died. They always die slowly...losing one breath at a time...for hours. Then, in the end I even said it out loud that I think he is also going through this phase.

And then he stopped breathing. The good thing is that we were there with him. But the worse thing is that cat medications and treatments are just not good enough. We compromise every time.

Ammi is very upset. She loved him like a baby. He loved her the most. Stayed with her all the time - in her room and in the kitchen and even in her bathroom. He loved sleeping on bathroom floor.

For me Minnie and Fluffy have been really special. Fluffy was like my fat litter brother. I hardly cried when a cat died...the last time I cried was when Cici died. It was a long time ago.

He was the most beautiful persian cat I feel without any biasness. And we will always miss him. He looked cute even when he was gone.

I will just put a few of his pics that were taken over all these years...(no longer fear the nazar wala factor since he is no more :()

*Lots of Love for Fluffy* *Hugs for Nadzy, Ammi and Umar*