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I’m not at all nostalgic. Although some ugly memories do haunt me...it’s not the case of day & night, but I do get bothered. I have discarded certain memories, as they did not belong to me. They were based on deception & naturally there was no place for them. Moreover, I don’t like to deceive myself.
I feel trapped & disturbed, because I had been born in a place which resembles jail. My wings were cut off as there was a possibility that I might fly. My sister says that I sound indecent whenever I write about my life. Well I really don’t know how to sound gentle while writing stuff that isn’t sweet.
I have been thinking that it’s easier to forgive your parents. And when you have lost one parent, you can’t afford to hold grudges against the one who is left. My mother is an extremely difficult & complicated person. Papa wasn’t that complicated, but he was lost in his world. I don’t blame him, as I am too lost in my world. People like us have no other option. We create a world that doesn’t exist, as the one that exists is suffocating.
I don’t like it when my siblings lay the blame on Papa for everything. He has been dead for the past 17 years & one must show some respect. I often get into arguments, but unfortunately I never win the case as I’m arguing with those who have already decided that he is guilty. Judging others is I guess too easy a thing. And judging the one who has wasted his money on you is the most easiest thing of all. I think that he was a good human & I don’t know anyone in my immediate family or anyone from my maternal or paternal side who could be called a good human. He also had an acute sense of right & wrong, & yes that too is something that I haven’t seen in my siblings or relatives.
When I wrote ‘mad ideas,’ I wanted to give the example of my elder brother. My elder brother too had been a victim of bullies in his own house. I do have problem in using the word home for obvious reason. 3 of my siblings quite religiously look down on him & don’t miss any opportunity of jeering at him. Well I am actually being hated by the 3 bullies & at this point in life, I don’t even want to know why I’m being hated & I also don’t give a shit to it. However, it’s on my agenda to sever all ties with them.
And now Z would call me such a brute for writing all this :P But one thing’s for sure – you don’t get rid of anxiety by writing about it. Seriously, I’m tired of being strong. I’m tired of fighting. It seems I am always in a state of war. And that’s why I don’t like the feature of declaring war on your own family member in MW as subconsciously I detest the very idea.
I don’t know how it will all end. I just hope it’s not suicide for anyone of us.
